Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
