I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
