FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
