Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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