Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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