omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
