Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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