70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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