He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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