Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
