I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
