my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
