is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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