I faked an abortion last night.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
