It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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