I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
