I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
