The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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