Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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