Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
