Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
