I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
