the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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