I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
