I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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