Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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