My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i've created a new STD.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
