Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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