I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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