My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
not ubering you a puppy
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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