Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Two words: blizzard sex
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize