I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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