he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
