I haven't been this sober since birth.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
