i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
