i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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