Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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