I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
