Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
