okay pat passed out under dana's car
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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