He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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