I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
