Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
