you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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