I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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