my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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