my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
