I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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