I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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