I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I believe in your delicious
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
