Got a toothbrush?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize