How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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