And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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