Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
