Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
