U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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