It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will be naked everywhere
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
