is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
